reflections

Sometimes I truly believe that I was not meant for this world. There is so much pain, confusion, greed, and heartache- and for what? It doesn't have to be this way and I can't get myself to understand the 'why' of it all. I have always felt things very intensely. Since I was a little girl I have been very sensitive not only to my own emotional state, but to all of those around me as well. I know there is so much good and beauty, and I do my best to hold tight to those little glimmers of light amongst all the dark- but lately it feels like my hold is slipping and the darkness is playing tricks with my head and my ability to be resilient. It feels as if I've been running towards this bright light all my life, and it drains me of everything I have, and for a very few brief moments I have seen the dazzling brightness and truth and warmth of the light up close, and I've reached out to touch it, and the moment it's within my reach I'm taken back to the start again and the light feels so distant and unnatainable. To experience such beauty- love and light being one in the same- and to have it continually taken away is probably the most painful and soul crushing sense of loss out of all the ugliness this world throws at us. I am in love with another being-their soul their heart their mind and even their darkness-and I will always be in love with him. And I know this with such a suredness that it rips through me and strips me of any ability to placate myself with temporary and fleeting moments of distraction because it's as real and ever present as any of my limbs. This beating in my chest, it feels so shallow and uneasy. My brain playing cruel games as it replays moments of happy togetherness on a loop that's never ending. I know some people are lost in darkness right now, and I am so so close to the light- I can feel it's radiance flowing through me- and they're scared. Scared of letting go of those deep rooted feelings of pain and loneliness because they're comfortable and familiar and make for an easy out when emotions get too deep, connections too real, and someone (I) gets too close. And this is the root of all my confusion. Why do people push happiness and light out of their life? Why dwell in misery and live with heartache only to avoid a potential for pain somewhere down the line? Is it easier if the pain is inflicted by one's own hand than to feel vulnerable and put your trust and faith in some one else's? Because with the love I feel for all those who are close to me, I'd rather risk a thousand deaths than to have them absent from my life when it's still in my power to prevent that. Why are we all so fearful? With this risk do we not see that we also open the door to limitless and everlasting love? It's all there to be had, yet people blindly continue through life too scared of feeling anything 'too much'. And therein lies my curse. I feel too much of everything, and though it tends to be a burden, I also feel it's a blessing because I know I have allowed myself to let go of that fear and to feel with my whole heart. I know all I can do is keep reminding myself of this and do my best to project that love and positivity outward. I just wish people would be more welcoming and receptive of that.

xxsea