life or something like it

  Life really is just a whirlwind of emotions and events, and sometimes it feels like I'm barely hanging on, barely even present for half of what happens. It's difficult at times to understand why certain things happen the way they do, and I tend to get too wrapped up in my head and my own thoughts. I have a habit of breaking down every word or action of those around me, and when I'm hurt by something that they've done, I just can't break through the fog that clouds my mind and envelops every passing thought with 'why'. Sometimes, you just have to give in to the fact that you can only control what you do, say, and act on; and that's something I still haven't been able to fully accept. When I think about where I've been and where I am today, I'm proud of the person I've become and I'm hopeful for the future-but something I still haven't yet grasped is that my heart can at times be my worst enemy. I'm a fragile soul, I'm easily wounded and torn apart by things others around me do and say. I get so frusterated with myself that I haven't yet built up a stronger exterior and that I too easily let people in; exposing my fears, thoughts, and most sacred of feelings leaving myself vulnerable and without shelter. I think that's what at times leads me to retract from meeting new people or being less of a homebody. However, there have been times in my life where I built the tallest and most unbreakable wall around myself, that no person-no matter the intent or genuinity- could break through; and that only led to losing sight of myself and losing touch with what matters in life. Everyday I strive to become a stronger, more grounded, and more open minded person; and I suppose that's a struggle we all must deal with in growing and in life. Somedays I just want to run wild and free somewhere far away from everything. I see so much beauty everyday, we're surrounded by opportunity and we have the world at our finger tips, and it's a choice to see the light through all the dark. At times I just wish there were more people in this world who made that choice, who were open books with open hearts, accepting and kind, honest and hopeful. I know there are many out there, but maybe like me, they're standing in the way of their own potential to shine and prosper. In time I know things will get easier and become more clear, we're all learning and evolving with each new day. That's enough rambling for now, just needed to get a few things off my chest.

XXSea