Sometimes I truly believe that I was not meant for this world. There is so much pain, confusion, greed, and heartache- and for what? It doesn't have to be this way and I can't get myself to understand the 'why' of it all. I have always felt things very intensely. Since I was a little girl I have been very sensitive not only to my own emotional state, but to all of those around me as well. I know there is so much good and beauty, and I do my best to hold tight to those little glimmers of light amongst all the dark- but lately it feels like my hold is slipping and the darkness is playing tricks with my head and my ability to be resilient. It feels as if I've been running towards this bright light all my life, and it drains me of everything I have, and for a very few brief moments I have seen the dazzling brightness and truth and warmth of the light up close, and I've reached out to touch it, and the moment it's within my reach I'm taken back to the start again and the light feels so distant and unnatainable. To experience such beauty- love and light being one in the same- and to have it continually taken away is probably the most painful and soul crushing sense of loss out of all the ugliness this world throws at us. I am in love with another being-their soul their heart their mind and even their darkness-and I will always be in love with him. And I know this with such a suredness that it rips through me and strips me of any ability to placate myself with temporary and fleeting moments of distraction because it's as real and ever present as any of my limbs. This beating in my chest, it feels so shallow and uneasy. My brain playing cruel games as it replays moments of happy togetherness on a loop that's never ending. I know some people are lost in darkness right now, and I am so so close to the light- I can feel it's radiance flowing through me- and they're scared. Scared of letting go of those deep rooted feelings of pain and loneliness because they're comfortable and familiar and make for an easy out when emotions get too deep, connections too real, and someone (I) gets too close. And this is the root of all my confusion. Why do people push happiness and light out of their life? Why dwell in misery and live with heartache only to avoid a potential for pain somewhere down the line? Is it easier if the pain is inflicted by one's own hand than to feel vulnerable and put your trust and faith in some one else's? Because with the love I feel for all those who are close to me, I'd rather risk a thousand deaths than to have them absent from my life when it's still in my power to prevent that. Why are we all so fearful? With this risk do we not see that we also open the door to limitless and everlasting love? It's all there to be had, yet people blindly continue through life too scared of feeling anything 'too much'. And therein lies my curse. I feel too much of everything, and though it tends to be a burden, I also feel it's a blessing because I know I have allowed myself to let go of that fear and to feel with my whole heart. I know all I can do is keep reminding myself of this and do my best to project that love and positivity outward. I just wish people would be more welcoming and receptive of that.



it's not fun to be so blind

working on a lengthy post, but for the moment, this.

The first time I heard this song was in Brit's car on a drive back from a magical day at the beach. The moment it came on was a very painful and emotional moment, and it seemed to be speaking to me. I've been strangely obsessed with it ever since. Each time I listen to it, I'm immediately covered in goosebumps and feel as if I am on the verge of tears. It's like a beautiful spiritual experience, every time.

"And I do not fear the light
And I do not stray from love as my guide
And I'm at peace inside
And all the pieces are fine
They dance and sing in unity"




(wearing: dress c/o O-Mighty, vintage jacket and shoes)

okay so I am fast forwarding to current timez and (skipping over lots of other photos I'm far overdue in posting temporarily) because I got so far behind and out of whack that I felt like posting something current would help me get back into the motions? I don't even know what I am saying right now. I am delirious due to stimulating life circumstances. And by stimulating I mean in every way, bad, good, confusing, hilarious, make-me-want-to-binge-eat-cheese-and-cry-in-the-closet, and everything in between. Too many things goings ons and I can't keep up (this blog included). My brain isn't really working at the moment so I am going to hold off on sharing all my recent updates til a more appropriate (and level headed) time.

SIDE NOTE: this weekend is both mine and Brit's birthday weeeeeeeeekend. Scorpio sisterz indeed. (Selena is a cusp scorpio tooo and her birthday was this past weekend). stay tuned for photo documentation of the weekend's festivities.

This dress is my new favorite. I throw it on constantly and I am wearing it more than socially acceptable. Seriously, I have a problem. When I really love something I wear it to the DEATH. It was sent to me from O-Mighty, an online store that has some pretty perfect pieces. Cat dresses? Graphic tees with offensive text? unicorn prints? YESH PLEAZE.




photography by Blake Jacobsen

OKAY SO THIS IS SO LATE. but have all of you seen the most recent Tunnel Vision lookbook?! Well if not you need to check it outtt. It was so amazing to work with such talented perfect people; Madeline, Brit, Isabel, Blake, LamsonCaseyRachel and Enaia 
(each one of whom I love so much!).

You should also watch the video Lamson put together!!





(wearing: mom's vintage crop top, thrifted diy cut offs, vintage belt, vintage shoes borrowed from Rachel AGAIN)

well hello world.
been busy as all heck and way too scatter brained to post anything special.
so a boring awkward uninspired outfit post will have to suffice for now.
these were taken the day of Larissa's birthday, which was so amazing and wonderful and great. Selena, Isabel, and Larissa kind of cajoled me into taking outfit photos since all of them were and *against my better judgement* I agreed. I don't like looking at pictures of myself lately...maybe that's why I've been bloggin less? WHO KNOWS. not gonna go there right now though cause I'll start rambling like crazy and then things will get even more awkward than usual. I mean...look at my arms? what does one do with their arms to avoid looking awkward? if you know, please share, cause apparently I haven't figured it out yet. have the day off todayyy so I'm going on a thrift adventure with Enaia. SO EXCITED. It's been far too long. welp I am cracked out on caffeine so I'm gonna go eat some bread..I love bread.




(wearing: Kill City dress and harness, vintage shoes borrowed from Rachel who got them from Isabel **sisterhoodofthetravelingshoes**)

what is lifeeeeeeeeeeee. I am so sorry for disappearing yet again. but lots of amazing stuff has been taking place people. As I've already mentioned, I am now living with Brit (and Enaia) in a magical house full of music and animals and love. I'm working LOTS (enter unsaid period of time in which I drop off the face of the blogger world) and pretty much doing my best to adjust. Change is beautiful and exciting but it takes time to accept and get into a new routine. Thankfully I am surrounded by a group of amazing people who do nothing but uplift and inspire me on a daily basis so consider me BEYOND LUCKY.

I'm sure many of you read Brit's recent post BULL here (and if you haven't you better get on that MEOW)..let's just say things got REAL. No joke, I would try to elaborate on the night and the experience itself but I would only sound like a babbling idiot and wouldn't even come close to expressing the unreal out of body magical SELF INDUCED PSYCHEDELIC experience we both had, at the exact same moment. everything that has been occurring in my life lately points to the fact that I am exactly where I should be, and all these experiences and people are coming into my life for a reason. I'm growing so much and becoming so aware of myself; intune with my mind and spirit. Music and meditation does wonders.

ALSO, how amazing is this dress/harness combo?! I had the amazing opportunity to model for a new lookbook for the Cult division of Lip Service with my amazingly talented friends Brit (stylist) and Kali (makeup artist) alongside Gryphon and it was literally a dream come true. Brit, Madeline, and I also had the opportunity to style a few Kill City and Lip Service pieces for blog posts (see Brit's here & here and Madeline's here & here) and I am officially in love with EVERYTHING they make. I cannot wait til the lookbook comes out and I get to share the photos!

OKAY, SO. the moral of the story (babble) is that I am going to do my very best to post AS OFTEN as possible. I might sound like a crazy person most of the time cause I have so much going on in my mind it's nearly impossible to articulate any of it properly, but I really want to keep this blog updated and dedicate more time to it again. I really do miss it. Thanks for being so patient with my laziness. It's just become more and more important to me that the content I post is good content, and not just bs filler nonsense. As for now, I am relaxing in my room with two pups and a little chicken kitty hiding from the heat because I started fainting while walking to the bus stop to get to work AKA impromptu day off. which will be spent doing absolutely nothing.