reflections

Sometimes I truly believe that I was not meant for this world. There is so much pain, confusion, greed, and heartache- and for what? It doesn't have to be this way and I can't get myself to understand the 'why' of it all. I have always felt things very intensely. Since I was a little girl I have been very sensitive not only to my own emotional state, but to all of those around me as well. I know there is so much good and beauty, and I do my best to hold tight to those little glimmers of light amongst all the dark- but lately it feels like my hold is slipping and the darkness is playing tricks with my head and my ability to be resilient. It feels as if I've been running towards this bright light all my life, and it drains me of everything I have, and for a very few brief moments I have seen the dazzling brightness and truth and warmth of the light up close, and I've reached out to touch it, and the moment it's within my reach I'm taken back to the start again and the light feels so distant and unnatainable. To experience such beauty- love and light being one in the same- and to have it continually taken away is probably the most painful and soul crushing sense of loss out of all the ugliness this world throws at us. I am in love with another being-their soul their heart their mind and even their darkness-and I will always be in love with him. And I know this with such a suredness that it rips through me and strips me of any ability to placate myself with temporary and fleeting moments of distraction because it's as real and ever present as any of my limbs. This beating in my chest, it feels so shallow and uneasy. My brain playing cruel games as it replays moments of happy togetherness on a loop that's never ending. I know some people are lost in darkness right now, and I am so so close to the light- I can feel it's radiance flowing through me- and they're scared. Scared of letting go of those deep rooted feelings of pain and loneliness because they're comfortable and familiar and make for an easy out when emotions get too deep, connections too real, and someone (I) gets too close. And this is the root of all my confusion. Why do people push happiness and light out of their life? Why dwell in misery and live with heartache only to avoid a potential for pain somewhere down the line? Is it easier if the pain is inflicted by one's own hand than to feel vulnerable and put your trust and faith in some one else's? Because with the love I feel for all those who are close to me, I'd rather risk a thousand deaths than to have them absent from my life when it's still in my power to prevent that. Why are we all so fearful? With this risk do we not see that we also open the door to limitless and everlasting love? It's all there to be had, yet people blindly continue through life too scared of feeling anything 'too much'. And therein lies my curse. I feel too much of everything, and though it tends to be a burden, I also feel it's a blessing because I know I have allowed myself to let go of that fear and to feel with my whole heart. I know all I can do is keep reminding myself of this and do my best to project that love and positivity outward. I just wish people would be more welcoming and receptive of that.

xxsea

universal)))))))(((((((magic

a few random shots from some adventures around la a few weeks back. I thought these photos were apropz given the information I am going to attempt to share in a somewhat sensical manner (which probably isn't going to work out because I can't even process it myself). I apologize for disappearing off the face of the earth, but I promise I have a somewhat valid excuse? mokay, scratch that, cause excuses are bullsh*$ but regardless, it's safe to say life has been pretty chaotic lately and my blog has been neglected in the midst of it all. I know I have mentioned at least once or twice that I had been planning on moving to LA. It was something I wanted so badly, but wasn't really sure if it would work out- at least as quickly as I had wanted it to. Over the past couple weeks, my desire to move here had increased immensely. This was all because I finally had the opportunity to meet the rest of my blogger friends and somehow the universe magically brought us all to eachother at the same time for different reasons and it didn't take long for me to come to the conclusion that these people are my soul mates. Just to keep you all up to speed, our group (our group...lol who AM I...sorry in advance for deciding that you are all now a part of a 'group' guys...an elite group....a parrot party) now adds up to Madeline, Brit, Isabel, Rachel, Casey, Sabella, Selena, Larissa, Taylor, and Blake. Every single one of them is literally perfect, and when we get together it's like this amazing frickin force field of awesomeness. So, with the help and support of my amazing friends, I made the decision to move up to LA and couch surf whilst looking for a consistent job and living situation. SOMEHOW SOMEWAY the universe is lining everything up just so, and everything is falling into place in a way I could have never imagined. I have way too much on my mind to articulate or express properly...but long story short, I am now living in a magical witch hippy fairy house with Brit and Enaia (who will be starting a blog soon too and will blow you away with her beauty and amazingness) and all my wildest dreams for my life are somehow coming to fruition. I couldn't feel more blessed or excited for what's to come. Life is such an amazing adventure, and if you always radiate love and positivity no matter how much negativity surrounds you and threatens to pull you down, I promise that love and light will be reflected back towards you.

XXSEA

p.s.

I promise I'll do a more substantial, photo filled post very soon!!!

paintitblack

(wearing: bralette and skirt c/o LNA, thrifted cover up, Darker leather suspenders,

Zelda metal cross necklace + pewter shark tooth ring + poison ring c/o Vanessa Mooney, creepers borrowed from my friend Eden)

Lately I've been wearing all black. a lot. I kind of like the fact that combined with my crazy hair, it causes people to stare at me with a perplexed look on their face wondering if I'm a gothic angsty teenager (most people assume I'm the youngest of my sisters, one of which is sixteen. LOL) or a witch on her way to a coven meeting. Regardless of how I dress- whether it be crazy rainbow colors and clashing prints or head to toe black and layers of silver jewelery- I seem to be more and more drawn towards the less socially acceptable. It's so much more fun to dress however you're feeling in the moment, even if it is crazy and most people will question your sanity whilst walking about in public, because what's the point in looking like everybody else? Where is the freedom and creativity in that? I drank a bit too much coffee and I'm going to cut this rant short. My fingers are typing away faster than my brain can string together what it is I am even trying to say.

On another subject, I am currently still in LA at my boyfriend's house and we've spent the past two nights watching the meteor shower from his backyard. Two nights a go we were watching at about one am and we had seen so many amazingly bright meteors, our eyes were fixated on the sky above us and it was completely silent aside from a slight breeze and the sound of our breathing. All of a sudden, he grabbed me and turned my head towards the north east as we both sat in shock watching what can only be described as a triangular formation of ufos fly across the sky and then vanish into the darkness. I know it sounds nuts, it even seems unreal to me now as I sit here recalling what we saw. Time seemed to move by so slowly in that moment, my mind couldn't quite comprehend the reality of what we had both witnessed. I'd never seen anything like it before, and who knows if I ever will again. But I can pretty much guarantee I will spend the rest of my life watching the sky wondering with even more curiosity as to what lies beyond the reaches of our little planet.

xxSEA

p.s.

sorry about that horribly edited second photo. sometimes I think I'm gonna do somethin' cool whilst experimenting on gimp and then I end up with something rather nonsensical and embarrassing. and then post it anways cause that's about as good as my editing skillz are gonna get.

'that's just because you're a scorpio'

(wearing: thrifed/diy crop, thrifted pants, vintage necklace and belt, Jeffrey Campbell Munsters)

introducinngggg; the world's most awkward crotch-ed pants ever! and guess what.. dgaf dudes. But seriously, akwardness and all, these are probably one of my most favorite pairs of pants ever. And the fact that they cost me 2 bucks at Salvation Army makes em even cooler. SO, I was having a little chat with my guy today and he was giving me a few helpful bits of advice. One of which was that I should cut back a bit on the amount of photos I post, and make the ones I do post display a bit more versatility. After thinking it over, I think he's pretty much tot-uh-lee right. I mean, I have tried to cut back on the amount of repetitive photos I post but a girl is indecisive n shiut. All excuses and nonsense aside, my goal has always been and always should be to post really good GREAT content that catches the eye of like minded creative people and maybe (hopefully) inspires them in some way. SO, my goal going forward with this lil blog of mine is going to be to streamline a bit. I want to make a new header (which is ridiculously over-do) and have better quality posts with less 'filler' photos. I also want to start doing a lot more visual diary posts, cause in all honesty they're a lot more interesting than a bunch of photos of little old me. Well that is enough rambling for meow.

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

xxSea

can you whisper

(wearing: lace top c/o Sugarlips, thrifted skirt and belt, Aldo shoes) 

My obsession with this Sugarlips top has reached a scary level...literally been wearing it everywhere with everything. I am really weird about my dressing habits. I will wear some items once and then forget all about them for months, and then there are some things that I will live in day after day to the point of my family asking me why I haven't changed my outfit for the past week..I mean uh..heh heh heh.

So most of you know that I am quite the homebody. For the most part; I like to hangout at home, laugh at my own jokes, binge on pizza, and be a weirdo on the reg. But lately, my friends have been convincing me to leave my little bubble and go out..which means being forced to socialize and being reminded again and again how many fuggin freaks infest the world we live in. I'm really not much of a drinker either, so when my friends feed me shot after shot of tequila things get weird reeeaaaaal fast. My relationship with hard alcohol is offfffficially over after a particularly strange outing earlier this week. I'm really considering bringing disposable cameras with me every time I go out (to document and share the weirdness) from now on..

OH, and while we are on the subject of weird- have you guys heard of plenty of fish? Well if you haven't, let me introduce you to the best thing that will ever happen to you. It is literrrally a buffet of cheese. Since my friend convinced me to create a profile (for no reason other than to be entertained by the ridiculousness that is a dating site chalk full of dudes who all seem to think they are the hottest thing since velcro...and none of them are even slightly normal) I have spent my nights literally crying, CRYING, from laughing so hard. Facebook pales in comparison to the entertainment that is POF.

xxSea

takemealltheway

(wearing: thrifted floral dress & green knit, Solemio lace wrap from Nastygal, backpack from Mexico)

Feels so nice to get back to posting (somewhat) regularly! I've really felt so scatterbrained lately, which has led to a lack in ability to produce a proper post. It seemed like every time I sat down to type something out, nothing was coming out right-or even made sense for that matter. And I am not going to force myself to post just to post. That is something I definitely would have done earlier on in blogging, but now I realize how redundant and counterproductive that is because the whole point is to publish something you are proud of, something that inspires you or shows a bit of who you are-not something forced and insincere. I was looking through some of my wayyy older posts the other day and I was thinking 'wow, I was trying way too god damn hard' and I really wanted to delete most of them because they are so far and away from what my blog has evolved into today..but then I stopped myself and realized; it's all a part of the process. It's kind of nice to look back and see how far I've come, how much I have let go, how open and honest I have become (mostly with myself..which is sometimes hardest of all).

I know I mentioned before I had a lot of life changes going on, but didn't really delve into what exactly those 'life changes' were. Well, reality is, we are all in a constant cycle of change and growth-even when we don't realize it. But sometimes, something unexpected comes into play and throws your balance and your whole way of being off. Some of you who have followed my blog for a while will know that I was in a serious relationship for four years. Well, let's just say things came to an abrupt halt and I was forced to really examine myself and my life and what I really want for my future. I won't share too many intimate details, but as hard as the adjustment has been, I see that it is all for the best. I am seeing things through a whole different perspective, and I am focusing more on myself and my own happiness than I have in as long as I can remember. I have been writing like crazy, spending quiet moments alone reading, getting lost in music. It's amazing how therapeutic and spirit lifting music is. Life is just so beautiful, and I want to experience it all. I want everything I wanted before, but in a different way and with a different sense of urgency.

Sorry for rambling, I am going to cut this short because I could literally go on for days.

dis gurlz got mo issuez den vogueeee hunnay boooboo chilllld

yep, went there.

Time to go journal and read at my favorite look out point...

XXSEA